Carol Harvey, M.S., M.F.T

Truth vs. Kindness?

Carol Harvey MFT — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 03:56:57 +0000

Telling it like is and being nice are not mutually exclusive. I see honesty and kindness as two very important values and both essential to healthy relationships. I often see people chose between the two as in “It’s the truth” and therefore okay that the comment is hurtful or “I didn’t want to hurt his or her feelings” and so didn’t say anything or didn’t speak the whole truth. Of course it can be challenging at times to find a way to do both. Start with focusing on the conversations or times when it is especially important to you to communicate your truth in a respectful or kind way. Try writing down what it is you want to say. Let it sit for a while (an hour or a couple of days). Then go back to it to look at how you can say this kindly. One way to do this is to think about being on the receiving end of the message. This can help eliminate some unnecessary jabs.
Communicating honestly and with respect for others allows you to communicate effectively. People are more likely to hear what you have to say when you integrate these qualities into your conversations with them.

Sense of Humor

Carol Harvey MFT — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 03:47:08 +0000

Everyone likes to laugh and it can be a great stress reducer. Having a similar sense of humor is often what draws people together. If you think about your favorite people in your life they are often the ones that make you laugh or enjoy your sense of humor.

Losing laughter or a light-heartedness in a relationship can be a sign that something is wrong. It usually slips away quietly. One day you realize that the relationship feels heavy and attempts at humor are met with coldness. If this is the case for you in one of your relationships, don’t get out the whoopie cushion or joke book. Take it as a sign the relationship, if it is important to you, is in need of repair. Do the repair work first and then enjoy that next good laugh together as an indication that the relationship is on the right track.

Time outs—Relationship TLC

Carol Harvey MFT — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 03:43:39 +0000

Time outs aren’t just for disobedient kids. They can be useful tools to stop arguments from becoming unproductive fights or worse, whether those arguments are between parents and children, partners, spouses or siblings. Timeouts aren’t meant to solve problems. However they can give each person a chance to think more clearly about their own perspective and recommit to hearing the other person.

Time outs are very different from just going away mad or simply giving up. The agreement to revisit the issue is as important as taking a break. Here are some steps to try if you are interested in seeing how time-outs can improve your ability to resolve arguments.

Time-out steps

In advance, agree what your time-out phrase will be and how long the time-outs will be. The phrase can be something straight-forward such as “I need to take a time-out” or a code word. What is important is that each person agrees to let the other person take a break, without further discussion or negative comments. Decide in advance how long the time out will be. Thirty minutes to an hour is often a good amount of time to start off with.
When you are having a conversation or discussion, notice when you are tuning out the other person and/or becoming angry. What are your physical and emotional cues that the conversation is no longer productive? You may feel edgy or notice your teeth are clenched. Start to notice where your personal tipping point is. This will be useful information, because if you can take a break sooner you probably won’t need as long a break. In addition you can avoid the hurtful words and actions that can happen when you continue past your tipping point. However you can start using time-outs even if you haven’t identified your personal indicators in advance.
Leave the scene for the agreed upon amount of time. After a few times you will learn how much each of you generally needs.
The focus now is to calm yourself and/or tap into yourself. Here are some ways: take a walk, take slow breaths or write down your thoughts. However don’t distract yourself with TV watching or internet surfing and don’t alter your consciousness with alcohol or drugs. They are too likely to heat things up or stop the communication. Just chill in a healthy way.
After you have calmed down, get curious about what made you mad, unable to hear the other person or unable to express yourself. Think about what you were trying to communicate and also what you think the other person was trying to communicate. Concentrate more on what you think the other person’s perspective might be. This may be difficult but is key to better communication.
After the agreed upon amount of time check in with each other and find out if you are both ready to talk. If not, agree to another (perhaps longer) time out. If you are both ready to talk, begin with what you thought about during your break. Start with what you think might be the other person’s perspective. Check it out. You don’t have to agree with it; at this point you are just letting the other person know you heard them. If you are still unclear about their perspective or think you may have misunderstood, start by asking questions. Also try expressing your ideas and thoughts again while staying calm.
If you start to get angry or shut down again, take another longer time-out and then try it again. If you find returning to the topic to be more challenging than the taking a break then that becomes your area of work. It is important to return to topics so issues can be resolved.

If you find some topics “always” trigger you, bring those issues to counseling. Likewise if you or your relationship is stuck in an unproductive cycle, bring that into counseling.

Resources for Separating or Divorced Families

Carol Harvey MFT — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 03:32:35 +0000

As a divorced, divorcing or separating parent you have to deal with painful personal issues as well as help your child navigate his or her own emotional turmoil. With your child’s best interests as a guide you will succeed in making thoughtful decisions & maintaining or creating a positive relationship with your child. It won’t be easy but the benefits for all will last a lifetime.

One of the issues difficult for separating (and even long divorced) parents to manage is how to talk to their child about the other parent especially in regards to criticizing the other parent or explaining the divorce. It is often hard to figure out what’s the right thing to do or say. Using these five questions can help you figure out what to say and not say as well as how to say it. I recommend it to all parents, regardless of the status of their relationship with the other parent. To avoid making an impulsive decision when your emotions are intense, try writing down your answers & revisit them later before you talk to your child.

Five questions for every parent to consider

What are all of my intentions in revealing this information to my child?
How are my children being effected by the actions I am about to discuss? How might they be impacted if they didn’t have the information I am about to give them?
How will it help my child to hear what I’m about to tell him or her?
Do the possible benefits of revealing this to my children outweigh the possible risks?
If I set aside my own feelings about this person and focus solely on protecting my child’s relationship with him or her, how would I handle this situation?

I think that last question is especially important. Your child deserves to have a positive relationship with both parents and as someone who loves them it is your responsibility to foster your own healthy relationship with your child as well as supporting that for your child with their other parent. Except in the most extreme situations, it is in your child’s best interest to have a good relationship with both parents. For your child’s sake, don’t be quick to label your situation extreme.

There are many resources out there to help ease the transition. Here are a few:

Books For Children:

Dinosaur Divorce by Marc Brown & Laurie Krasny Brown. A straight-forward & upbeat book geared towards children ages 4-8.
Divorce Is Not the End of the World: Zoe’s and Evan’s Coping Guide for Kids by Zoe & Evan Stern. This engaging book is written by a teen & pre-teen along with their parent (appropriate for ages 11 & up).
Mom’s House, Dad’s House for Kids: Feeling at Home in One Home or Two by Isolina Ricci PhD

Books for Parents:

Divorce Book For Parents: Helping Your Children Cope with Divorce and its Aftermath by Vicki Lansky
Mom’s house, Dad’s house: Making Two Homes For Your Child by Isolina Ricci PhD. An updated classic. Also find resources as www.momshousedadshouse.com
The Good Divorce by Constance Ahrons PhD. A scholarly book, her advice in a nutshell is to love your kids more than you hate each other.

Dealing with Anger

Carol Harvey MFT — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 02:57:13 +0000

Anger can be a friend or a foe depending on how you deal with it. Anger can impact your health and your relationships. Aggressive anger can have negative effects on the way you think and act, as can suppressed anger. Frequent outbursts can damage or end relationships with significant others, friends, family members, co-workers and others. The physical effects of anger on the body include heart problems, high blood pressure, skin problems, digestive issues and headaches.
Anger itself, though is not negative. It is a legitimate and powerful emotion. Knowing how to effectively express your anger can help you solve problems, increase personal effectiveness, achieve goals, protect yourself and develop healthy relationships. The goal is not to eliminate anger but rather express it in a healthy way.

6 Steps to Healthy Anger

Keep an anger log. Monitor how often you get mad and the situations that trigger you. Also note how angry you get on a scale from 1 to 10.
Notice the early indicators of anger. What are your personal clues? It maybe a tightness in your chest or an inability to concentrate. This will take practice but begin to notice the earliest signs of agitation or irritability—before it leads to anger. Keep track of what you discover.
Accept your anger. It is providing you with valuable information. Beating yourself up for getting angry only shifts the focus and isn’t helpful.
Interrupt your anger cycle. Practice relaxing when anger is starting to build. Some options are taking a walk, breathing slowly, counting to ten, listening to calming music and using positive self-talk.
Identify what you are angry about. Are you upset with yourself, someone else or both? Is it an old anger or does it feel new? Just be curious about your anger. What can you learn about yourself and anger from this particular situation? If you start to feel the intense anger returning, back up to step 4 and give yourself more time to relax.
Come up with a plan to express your anger in a healthy way. If your relationship with the person you are angry at is generally healthy one then the best approach is often to just speak up. Letting someone you care about know you are angry and why can actually help build a stronger relationship. Create a good time and place to say what’s on your mind and leave room to hear the other person’s perspective. Make sure you aren’t just dumping on the other person. Use I-messages to keep your message clear and direct.

Disclaimer: This article is not intended to address violent anger or abusive relationships. Please contact me for specialized local domestic violence resources

What’s your parenting style?

Carol Harvey MFT — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 02:48:54 +0000

You may not think of it this way but there are different styles of parenting. What’s your style? What are the advantages of your approach? Are there any disadvantages? Is your parenting style complementary or compatible with your parenting partner? A parenting partner may be a spouse, step-parent or an ex who shares custody. Difference in parenting styles is a frequent source of conflict between parents and in blended families.
How did you choose your parenting approach—was it automatic or planned? What other factors influence your approach? Sometimes in an effort to balance out the other parent, one or both parents end up with a parenting approach that doesn’t fit.
Which of the styles here is most like yours?
Print out this handout and see where your parenting style fits. You can use this information to consider parenting preferences and have discussions with your partner-in-parenting about any differences you may have. Family counseling or co-parenting sessions can help bridge the gap, if there is one, and improve family harmony.

Self-care tips

Carol Harvey MFT — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 16:14:52 +0000

I’m a believer in taking care of yourself so you can be your best and offer your best to others. To that end I’m including some self-care ideas. The main thing though is giving yourself permission to take care of yourself. This is especially important during times of high stress.

Above all else be kind to yourself. Cultivate encouraging self-talk and silence the inner “naysayer.”
Get enough sleep. Lack of sleep affects your ability to respond to life’s demands in a productive way. So catch some zzz’s but don’t stress about an occasional bad night’s sleep.
Eat nutritionally balanced meals and eat when you are hungry. Poor nutrition compromises your brain’s ability to think clearly and your body’s ability to fight infection and manage stress.
Breathe and pay attention to your breath. Slow, full, deep breathing gives your body much needed oxygen and slows down your heart rate. Taking a “breath break” several times a day can do wonders.
Participate in some regular physical exercise to reduce tension and get out of your head. Pick an activity that fits your fitness and energy levels as well as your exercise personality and make it part of your regular routine.
Spend time doing something you enjoy or if it has been a while do something you used to enjoy. Make time for fun. It really is important.
Maintain or reactivate your sense of humor. Laughter is good for you.
Don’t bottle up your feelings. Speak up. Being clear and thoughtful improves the likelihood that your message will be heard.
Keep a journal. Writing can be an effective way to process your thoughts and emotions.
Look for the positives in your day. Think about what went right or nearly so.
Think creatively about ways to take care of yourself. Notice what nurtures you and include it in your life.